By Guest Blogger Asia Angello
Over the last few months, I’ve heard a lot of women say courting is a thing of the past. Men don’t do dates anymore. Men just ask you to chill. Men don’t go the extra mile like they used to. Ladies, we have to stop lying to ourselves and saying these things are true when they are not. The idea that ALL men are just lazy and after one thing is false. Let me be clear, men are still asking women out on dates. Men are still sending random flowers to the office. Men are still opening car doors.
Chivalry is not dead.
Now granted, it may not be as common as it was when our parents and our grandparents were looking for love, but good men are still out there in abundance. What may be happening is the men WE keep attracting are not the best men. This in turn clouds our judgement and we begin to think if the men we are associating with aren’t, then no men are. One thing is for sure though, a man who is interested in a woman on a serious level will most definitely go the extra mile for her. He will court her. He will DATE her.
So, how do we even define a date anymore? What qualifies as courting? Granted, I use both words dating and courting loosely. A date is simply defined as a “social or romantic engagement or appointment.” Meaning, it doesn’t have to be anything extravagant. My fiancé and I went to Applebee’s on our first date and had the 2 for 20 special. It wasn’t where he took me, it was the way he asked me out, the way he opened the door for me, how he carried the conversation, paid for the bill and made sure to get me home at a decent time that sealed the deal. Who cares if it only costs him $20? Whether it’s getting a morning cup of coffee or dinner at a romantic restaurant… the approach may vary but the EFFORT will be the same.
What isn’t a date and what isn’t courting? I’ll give you two major examples.
- Let’s say he asks to come over and chill or he invites you over to his place to chill. This is NOT a date and ladies we should NEVER accept an invitation to be alone at a man’s place or invite him to our place in the courting phase. The most obvious reason why you should never do this is it’s dangerous! No matter how harmless he may seem, once you are alone with this man you are at his mercy if God forbid he decides to harm you. When we’re dating, our safety as women must be our number one priority. No matter how nice he is, a public place should always be the only option. Not only that but establishing this boundary sends a very clear message to him. You’re telling him without even saying it that being alone with you is a privilege that he must earn. It communicates to him that you have self-respect, boundaries and hold your safety in very high regard. In turn, he will see that YOU respect yourself, and he will have to do the same if he plans on sticking around.
- Let’s say he is out having a good time and he hits you up as an afterthought to meet him somewhere. The conversation may go something like this, “Hey! I’m out at Tipsy Tavern right now with some friends and I was just thinking about you! I don’t know if you’re free, but do you want to come meet me? I really want to see you.” No matter how free you may be at that moment, no matter how much you may want to say yes and no matter how innocent the situation may seem: you should politely decline an invite like this EVERYTIME in the courting phase. When you decline this invitation, it communicates another message to him. The message is your presence is determined by effort not convenience. If he really wanted to see you as bad as he says, wouldn’t he invite you hours beforehand and not as an afterthought as he stands in the middle of the bar? Secondly, if you accept the invite and decide to show up, it communicates that you don’t have your own things going on and you’re readily available for him to see you whenever he wants without notice. This may create the impression in his mind that he doesn’t need to plan a date, go the extra mile or be respectful of your time and schedule. Why should he if he can do the minimum and still see you? Set boundaries.
The dating/courting phase is by far the most important part of a relationship. It sets the tone for how you expect to be treated and it also tells you how much effort he is willing to put forth in pursuing you. It’s possible he may decide it’s not worth the effort you require of him. You’ll feel in your gut an undeniable change in energy between you two if this Is the case. He won’t call as much, texts will start to drag, and when you do see him his physical advances will be more forward. When this happens, he’s telling you without telling you exactly how he views you. Don’t take it personal and don’t ever alter your standards. Move on. A man that values you will decide you are worth taking things slow and that man will go above and beyond for you. He will text and call you consistently, he will put in effort to see you and sex won’t have to be a primary part of the deal. If the courting phase is done right, it’s the only opportunity you have to get a better understanding of the other person’s character and their intentions BEFORE too many feelings are involved and before things turn physical. Know your standards, set the pace and remember YOU have the power.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Asia Angello, Founder of TheSheWithin
I dreamed of TheSheWithin about 5 years before I felt the time was right to bring it to life. After compiling years of content, I just didn’t feel ready and knew I needed to be in the right place personally before I could create this platform for other women. Over the course of my early twenties, after finally walking away from a toxic relationship, I decided one day to start looking INWARD instead of looking outward at everyone else’s path. I was at a low point in my life and needed to start the process of re-building myself from the inside out. This is how my journey to TheSheWithin began. Fast forward from that time in my life to this one, I am engaged, expecting my first child, a first-time home-owner and in the process of obtaining my Empowerment Coach Certification. I finally discovered the importance of self-reflection and self-worth and I want this platform to be a safe haven for other women to do the same. Dating, mental health, spirituality, career and overall lifestyle are all topics TheSheWithin dives in to. Our platform is designed to offer straightforward, sincere guidance to young women on the things that matter most to us and to remind us of our worth every day.
You can follow Asia on IG @asia_elaine to stay tuned and get updates for her blog!